Sometimes, we go through tough times. It’s the challenging part of life. It can be a mental grind. Especially if you overthink things. That’s the anxiety talking. It can cause roadblocks for unknown reasons.
I have to admit since the pandemic started, I’ve found it harder to do things I like to do. It’s not that I don’t want to. There’s just some hesitation that may as well be a wall. It’s breaking through it that must be done to finally free ourselves.
Fear is our greatest enemy. It can make you think irrationally. I look back at some of the things I did and wonder how. I drove all the way to ESPN in Bristol, Connecticut for a job interview. The two and a half hour trip wasn’t that bad. But after the interview for a hockey research position that I got, coming home was nerve racking.
It was dark by 6 PM when I stopped to grab a drink and snack. Then, I accidentally took the Merritt Parkway because the signs said New York. Thankfully, it all worked out. I made it back okay. That was the start of a new journey.
A year later, I moved into an apartment in Bristol and returned on New Year’s Eve. My Dad helped me with the move. When he was getting ready to leave, he got emotional and shed tears as he hugged me. I was 25 at the time and just as nervous. When he left for the trip home, I cried. I knew how hard a moment that was. It was something I had to do. I had guts.
We have to take chances. If we don’t, we’re left wondering what could’ve been. My anxiety definitely kicked in when I realized it was time to return home on Halloween. Of course, Dad was there for me with the move back. Another tough experience. I left because I couldn’t get a full-time gig. Most importantly, my brother needed me. He was going through his own struggles and I realized it one night when we met up in the city. He gave me a bear hug. It was emotional. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. He’s a great person.
It was after I returned that I started having issues. Whether it be due to insomnia back at my old job in Jersey City, or getting depressed due to that place relocating to Bristol, CT, I definitely wasn’t the same. There also was a difficult home situation due to my brother, who needed more help to get better. I’m happy to say I was there for him when he needed me most. Family comes before anything.
It’s been a long time since those melancholy moments that left me feeling down. The good part is we got through it. Justin is such a strong person. He’s the nicest and most caring and unselfish person I know. I’m the older one. But I can learn a lot from how he handles himself. The situation isn’t easy, but he is much better. When I think back to where he was, I’m amazed at the transformation. Justin will always be my best friend. Of course, we both have best friends too who are always there for us. I consider those close part of your Inner Circle. They’re examples of shining ✨ stars 🌟.
I didn’t really get serious about my anxiety and depression until Fall 2009. It was following a memorable experience at Woodstock 40. A great weekend even though I couldn’t sleep and had to deal with the summer heat and humidity. Thank God for water and ice cream. I managed. But I knew I needed to change moving forward.
When we returned home, I got evaluated and hooked up with a good outpatient center that had a nice doctor. I remember discovering by accident that I suffer from Panic Disorder. I was volunteering at a place. I read the symptoms and was startled. The thing about anxiety is it can just come out of nowhere. Panic attacks are the worst. While I’ve gotten better at handling them through experience, it’s never fun. Picture being trapped in a dark cave with nowhere to go. That’s how I would describe it.
A year after therapy sessions with the right prescribed medication, I finally felt good enough to go back to work. I worked in an office doing customer service while making commission on leads. Somehow, I lasted almost seven full years. But there were moments I struggled due to my mental health. I am thankful I had such understanding bosses. It’s been a few years since, but it was an overall good experience. I made friends who I still stay in touch with. I hope one day soon, I can meet up with a few who I have nothing but love for. The quality people I met was the best part of that job.
Since then, I’ve done substitute teaching. That was interesting. I taught mostly special education in a nice school. It was kids with autism. I discovered how special they were and receptive. I got along with most of the staff. It had a real family oriented environment which was beneficial. I believe that’s important. Of course, you had some talkative female paras who you had to watch. I didn’t eat lunch much in that room. Maybe I knew better. I was mostly quiet and ate in the main school which was more to my liking. As much as I enjoyed that experience, by the end of the year, I was mentally exhausted. I think it was due to my anxiety. That along with my Mom became too much. She worked in the system. But drove me nuts at times despite helping me. You never want parents so involved in your job when they’re retired. I was glad for a break.
The plan was to take six education credits to continue subbing. I enrolled for two online courses. Both were good and helped give me new perspective on schooling. Unfortunately, one course wasn’t considered education. It was all about schools and I did well in it like I had the other course. But it was listed under Sociology. When it was rejected, I grew frustrated with the NYCDOE. They are very strict with subs. Maybe too much so. All it did was stress me out. I lost interest due to the rules. Who wanted to take another course? I should’ve but between the situation and my Mom, I wasn’t happy. It didn’t seem fair. Maybe it was the anxiety talking. I didn’t even pass an exam that could’ve helped give me credits. It was hard. No wonder I lost interest.
I look back at that year with disappointment. I had wanted to do more regular subbing. I got experience in one school teaching sixth graders. They were complimentary. Supposedly, I was the best sub they had. Maybe it was my good nature. How I related well to kids. But I also was tough. I made sure they did their assignments. When I think about it, it was a good experience. Now, those kids are in high school. Hard to believe.
Part of that assignment was being put in a suspension room with the bad kids. These weren’t students. They were deviants who had no place in the school system. One time, it got so bad that a seventh grader challenged me to a fight. I shrugged it off. They are troublemakers who come from bad homes. Kids that don’t want to be in school. Why even have a suspension room? It allows them to get away with what they want and not do any productive work. If there’s one criticism of the current system, it’s this laissez-faire approach to uncooperative students. I have a hard time calling them that. The words that come out of their mouth are from the gutter. My suggestion is stick such disobedient kids in a special place for their behavior. They don’t belong in the public school system.
Having done plenty of blogging the past few years, I wonder with how things are currently how teachers and paras feel. Of course, I’m referring to the vaccine being forced on the very people who sacrifice so much during a school year to make things work. If you only knew what they have to deal with, you’d come to the conclusion they’re miracle workers. There’s so much on their plate that it defies logic. Mandating the shot for every worker in the school system is unfair. Not everyone is comfortable putting that into their body. The FDA rushed to approve the Pfizer shot which I got. The negative reaction to it should be cause for concern. So should the do nothing Mayor’s total ignorance that there are good people like my friend who have underlying medical conditions. That’s why some are hesitant to get vaccinated. Not everyone is the same. And not every person believes in the science. That includes a close personal friend.
Personally, I think mandating the shot is unhealthy and creates further division. They basically are blaming the unvaccinated for the problems with increased cases. Meanwhile, it’s fully vaccinated people who are testing positive. So, what does that say exactly? A vaccine shouldn’t be politicized. But here we are. A year and a half of frustration due to government control and the media using scare tactics.
Let’s just say all of this made me pause. I haven’t done enough. Now, a change in diet and a return to the gym will be an uphill climb. I’ll go about it slowly and try to build back up gradually. There’s also the return of the mask mandate next month. Plus businesses forcing people to show proof of being fully vaccinated. Another hair-raising brain scheme of Mayor Idiot thanks to Vaccine Passports. Something that violates consistutional rights and causes more grief in a divided country. I thought President Biden was gonna bring it together. The puppet in chief is too confused not knowing how to handle Afghanistan where the Taliban is back in power. My news flash showed an explosion near an airport before. How awful. I wish for the safety of all people including stranded Americans including our soldiers and those from Afghanistan, who are victims.
There’s so much craziness in this world. You have protests against tyranny in England, Paris and Australia where they lockdown for any positives. They have to understand that you’re not gonna defeat Covid. It’ll be around. How about this for a concept. Let people live their lives without having to turn around. New York State is a mess. They want to restrict people and hurt businesses while crime remains way up due to the progressive court system that lets dangerous criminals back out on the streets with long rap sheets. Where’s the logic? Hospital workers are the true heroes of the pandemic, but some are being let go due to not complying with the ridiculous mandate. Your body, your choice.
As for where I currently am, I’m not ready to throw in the towel. I think that’s been pretty obvious in this post. I want to get back in shape and change my diet. Go more green with higher protein and less carbs. Do what I can when I go to the gym. It’ll be a process. It’s easy to blame myself for this. But that’s a waste of negative energy. And I can’t be negative. I must fight for myself and do better.
Jim Valvano and Derreck Whittenburg hug after winning the 1983 National Championship for North Carolina State.
The legendary former North Carolina State championship college basketball coach Jim Valvano said it best in his courageous fight against cancer at the memorable ESPY’s speech.
“Don’t Ever Give Up!”
In his most trying time as he was losing his battle to the terrible disease, he showed such courage and strength. That speech is replayed on ESPN every year during the Coaches versus Cancer week when they raise awareness. I’ve donated to the Jimmy V Fund. A great cause for Cancer research. I’m reminded of why Valvano was so universally loved even by former peers like Mike Krzyzewski. Ironically, he became a close friend of Valvano when he visited him in the hospital at Duke University School of Medicine. When they coached against each other, they were total opposites. Valvano the funny talker with the classic New York personality coming from a big Italian family. Coach K more of a serious coach who turned Duke into a powerhouse. Fate brought them together.
On April 28, 1993, Jim Valvano lost his battle to cancer. The former coach who led the underdog North Carolina State Wolfpack to a national championship in 1983 was 47. Only 10 years removed from a miraculous run for the ages with it winding up in the biggest upset over powerful Houston on a Lorenzo Charles dunk at the buzzer. If you haven’t watched the wonderful 30 For 30 documentary Survive And Advance, I highly recommend it. It’s a tale about a positive coach who motivated his team to defy the odds and pull games out against giants such as Sidney Green, Ralph Sampson and Hakeem Olajuwon. Led by scrappy guard Derreck Whittenburg, NC State shocked the world. It’s still called the upset of the century.
Jimmy Valvano is a tale in courage. He made his famous ESPY speech two months before he died. Close friend Dick Vitale helped him up to the stage. The amazing thing is once he was up there, he was on. No countdown for when his speech was supposed to end was gonna stop him. He sarcastically joked about the production cue cards reminding him how much time was left, drawing laughter. He had such a great sense of humor. One part of the speech I really loved is when he talked about how cancer can take away his physical abilities, but it can’t take away his heart, mind and soul. It was truly a special moment.
I use Jimmy V because he was the best of us. He knew his time was short. Seeing him brought back for a 10-Year NC State Wolfpack ’83 Championship reunion moved me to tears. That’s what made this ESPN documentary so special. He always talked about being able to laugh, think and be moved to tears. If you could have those three things happen, that’s a whole day. The Jimmy V Classic is featured every year in December. It’s a doubleheader of college hoops at Madison Square Garden. A special time to remind us of how many have it worse. I’ll donate to the worthy cause.
St. Jude Hospital For Children is a cause I donate to. Helping sick kids is something that we all should do. These are good kids who fight daily battles. Seeing the videos hurts. They’re too adorable and yet have such great human qualities remaining positive despite the tough hand they’ve been dealt. Have a heart ❤.
I know I wrote a lot in this post. I covered plenty. It’s because I had a lot on my mind. Mostly as a reminder that I can achieve by improving my quality of life. I’ve done it before. We all have flaws and experience ups and downs. It’s about how we respond to the challenge moving forward. That’s what Jim Valvano taught me.
HITTING BACK 