Crying Inside

This isn’t another poem. It’s the truth. I feel like I barely exist anymore.

For years now, I’ve been out of work because I lost my confidence. The combination of my anxiety along with the ridiculous pandemic has really had a negative effect on me.

I used to do a lot more. Work a job even if it was part-time. Whether it was in customer service at an office or substitute teaching, I was able to support myself and help out our Dad.

I also used to go for walks at parks. Something I miss. I went to the gym and stayed fit. I didn’t let myself go until the past year. My confidence went down during the summer last year. It’s been very frustrating ever since.

My life situation isn’t good. It’s always been a struggle since I’ve experienced panic attacks. One moment, you’re fine and then the next, you’re feeling bad. It’s a scary thing. Anyone who suffers from them knows how real the pain is. It’s a helpless feeling of weakness.

I didn’t always have mental health issues. I got through school fine. I went to a good high school. I graduated college and earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Sports Management. I even had full-time jobs in my field. I have accomplished a lot. It just feels so far away.

Our family isn’t the easiest situation. It’s been harder lately. It isn’t just about me. It’s about how much I care about my brother. He suffers from OCD. At one point, it was psychosis. He could barely function back then. Seeing him struggle really made me sad.

When I came home after working at ESPN in both hockey and basketball research capacities for remote production, it was due to him. I couldn’t in good conscience stay in Bristol, Connecticut. I was working a boring assignment after a good gig where I got paid more. The nerve of them. You’re just a number to a big corporation.

But I still knew it was time. I had already gone into a depressed state. The final month in my apartment was very emotional. Maybe because it was over and I had no idea what it was like at home.

I knew it wasn’t good. I’d seen it sometimes when I visited. I always left for the two and a half hour ride back on the Turnpike with a broken heart. That’s how much I love my brother. Eventually, we had to check him into an inpatient program for two weeks. I visited everyday. It really strengthened our relationship.

To think that’s almost 19 years ago is crazy. I can’t believe it. Thank God they got him on the right medication. He is a great person. Maybe the best I know aside from our Dad.

Mom has been remarried for two decades and lives on the other side. Her relationship with my brother is complex due to some choices she made. Sometimes, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Due to the timing of when she left, my brother won’t ever set foot in her house.

It has nothing to do with her husband. It’s about principles. She made a choice to leave at a bad time. He was still a teenager. I can probably say more about when things changed. But I’d rather think about when it was fun growing up.

I don’t view my brother as some special case. He’s a grown adult who sometimes needs us to help him complete rituals. It’s hard to still go through it with him all this time later. Sometimes, I feel like crying. I can’t ever leave and feel good. It’s so complicated.

Nobody would fully understand. Not even some of the closest people I know. I feel like I haven’t done anything in four years due to the situation here. I know how that sounds. Like a pile of excuses. But my anxiety suffered due to things with our home. It’s kept me up nights. I suffer from insomnia too. A great combo.

There’s so much I still want to do. I write blogs and stay occupied. I am an excellent writer. Whether it’s hockey covering the Rangers or poetry and what I’m posting here, I have a gift.

Writing is a way to express myself. I’m able to describe exactly how I’m feeling. It can be telling a story or even using lyrics through poems to give the reader an idea of what I’m thinking about. That’s who I am.

The sad part is in person, I am not shy. Far from it. I’m a unique happy go lucky person who’s sarcastic and can make people laugh. I can carry a conversation. I’m comfortable talking about lots of things.

I’m also very fiery. That’s part of being Sagittarius. We can let others know exactly what we think. No-nonsense. That’s a characteristic that can be hard sometimes. But we’re also very unselfish and caring. That’s me to a tee. Maybe too much so.

I want to live again. Not feel like I’m going out of my mind. I love our family. I’d give my left arm for my brother to see it be easier. We’re all getting older now. Dad needs help. He can’t do it alone. He’s been so great with us. He went through a similar struggle like me. He understands.

I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Especially myself. I know I’m capable of doing better. But I have to do it. It has to come from me. Starting with getting back to the things I love.

I know it’s not too late. I appreciate every day. I am thankful for a loving Dad, a selfless brother who cares a great deal about me when I struggle. And our Mom, who now understands how hard it is for us. She has her own issues. I wish it was easier for her. I will go visit her this weekend.

There’s just a lot to digest. It took plenty for me to write this. I don’t like talking about us. But maybe I need to. I gotta feel human again. Thats all I want for everyone here.

Love and hugs.

Flex